With Leonard Finkel
Leonard Finkel: Tiger, thanks for the opportunity, but I have to ask, why me?
Tiger Woods: I need to get my version of what happened out, and you’re about the most trustworthy golf writer I know.
LF: I appreciate you thinking that. So here goes. What happened?
Tiger: Well you know that I’ve had problems in the past with my glutes misfiring, and that problem was kicking up again over the weekend. I felt I needed to take some of my glute medication. I guess the combination with my pain medication from my recent back surgery was a bad mix. Until I was pulled over by the police, I didn’t realize how much of an impact that combination of medications had on me.
LF: That said, what were you doing out at 3 o’clock in the morning?
Tiger: I’m not sure you’re aware, but the mix of those medications kinda leaves a bad taste in your mouth. I’m sure you are aware though that I’ve had a lot of things over the last few years that left a bad taste. So, I was heading to my local all-night Walmart to pick up some mouthwash.
LF: I guess I can understand that. But didn’t you realize that you were under the influence and shouldn’t be driving?
Tiger: I was so focused on my halitosis and misfiring glutes, I guess it just got by me. That can happen to anybody. I have a lot of other things on my mind you know. My last surgery was super-duper successful and I am preparing for my return to dominate the PGA Tour once again.
LF: I guess that makes sense. Once you were pulled over, I understand you were asked to take a breathalyzer test, but declined. If you hadn’t been drinking, why not take the test?
Tiger: I already told you, I had halitosis. I had bad breath. I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I didn’t want the world to find out. You can certainly understand that. Wouldn’t anybody else in my position do the same thing?
LF: I am not in your position. Not many people are. It’s a stretch, but I guess I can see your point. So where do you go from here?
Tiger: I’m sure that once the investigation is concluded and the authorities understand what actually transpired, all the charges will be dropped. I am a little bit embarrassed with my mug shot. Did you see how bad my hair looked? I think I need a new barber.
LF: I’m no expert, but it isn’t the best picture of you I’ve ever seen. Now that we’ve cleared up the situation, I have one last question I hope you’ll answer. So how is the golf game coming and when can we expect to see you again on Tour?
Tiger: Other than my glutes misfiring again, and I believe that’s a temporary situation, I am ahead of schedule. My back hasn’t felt this good since my first or second or third surgery, I can’t remember which. The glute medication makes me a little woozy sometimes. Wow, that’s what got me in the situation in the first place. I better see my doctor and change that prescription. So, like I said, my back’s feeling really good again and I’m on pace to start making full swings in a month or so. My new equipment, clubs and balls are spectacularly well suited for me and I expect great things. I’ll no longer be hampered by my Nike equipment. There are a lot of great players out there these days so I don’t expect to dominate the way I used to. I am a little bit older you know. I think it’ll take me at least a year to reach number one again. I did it before, I’ll do it again. After all, I am Tiger Woods.
LF: I really appreciate the update and I’m sure my readers will also. Thanks so much for your candid and honest answers. Best of luck in the future.
Tiger: Thank you and best of luck to you too. And don’t forget to say hello to Lynell for me.
Disclaimer: Just funnin!
Leonard Finkel is the author of The Secrets to the Game of Golf & Life and former editor in chief of Golf Journeys Magazine. His work has been featured in almost 200 publications including Golf Magazine, Golf Digest, The Wall Street Journal, USA Today, Golf Illustrated, Golf Tips and Player Magazine. He has written more than a dozen cover stories for Golf Today Magazine. He has written extensively about golf and travel and has added poker to his writing repertoire. Finkel also works as a marketing and public relations consultant. His specialty niche is writing advertorial copy. Prior to his career in golf, Finkel owned a chain of retail stores and a consulting and import company based in Asia. He attended the University of Utah.